Sunday, 8 July 2007

lessons of heart

i have learned a lot along these years how to maintain my feelings and how to hide it quietly deep down inside. But sometime, it just wasnt enough for me to feel so. Jealousy can come over at any time, and nobody would be able to hold that jealousy feelings for a long time. It always depends on how you handle it day by day.
not being able with someone that you love could be a harmful virus for your heart and health. I thought that I had overcome that phase of life. After all these years, I have been so quiet and so secretly wishing that something might have changed. Although I also know, that destiny wouldn't say so. God would not do anything to make a small change on it. Not even a single drop of hope.

realising that i have no right whatsoever to hold him back from his world, or to want more from him, and to do more of my feelings; i had thought of being single everytime. I couldn't give my heart to anyone else. The saddest part is that I also realised that he'd never be in love with me. And I know that I have to be grateful of whatever God had given me nowadays -to have another chance of friendship with him. I wouldn't want anything to ruin that, even if it's my feelings. No matter how many times I would cry or scream that I want it to change, I know... nothing's gonna change after all.

[rufus' I'm not ready to love is playing in my ears now]


i have everything that I want in him and I know I wouldn't want more. But all these sickening boundaries had erased every dreams that I have. by just realising that I wouldn't be able to dream even further can not hurt me anymore now. The slice in my heart left a deep cut and deep wound. definitely I wouldn't want to feel what I had felt five years ago. It has been 5 years and the feeling never leave me, it just stays there and even growing. I would sit on my grey hair days, with some cats around me, and counting every moments of precious gems that i have with him. Also realising that it wouldn't help me at all. At all.

Githa had warned me about not hoping for more than what I already have. I agreed to her arguments, although it is hard to do. i've trained my heart so well for the past 5 years, and it shouldn't be hard for me to let go one more time. He would always be there in my life, anyway. As a friend. And i don't dare to challenge myself to hope for even more things from that. From all of that. I thank God that I have got the chance while I still have the time. I wouldn't count anymore of the tears that I would want to cry out. I wouldn't want to think about how it would be much easier if I am someone else I'm not.

I wouldn't want him -or anyone- to understand what I'm feeling now. I just want to write it down outta my heart. Usually it worked. But I don't know with one today. I knew that I would feel this way again if I had intense meeting and intense sms writing and everything that is intense with him! I dont know what this would lead, and how this would end. I know this was wrong, and I'm walking through it!!!!!! Scheisse!


Je ne sais pas pourquoi
Premier rendez-vous
Premier baiser dans le cou

Nous nous sommes dis vous
Nous nous sommes dis rien,
Et presque tous en somme

Je ne sais pas pourquoi
Je ne sais pas où
Cette vie ne nous mène
Qui vivra verra
Qui me le diras
Cette vie ne vous mène à quoi

Second rendez-vous
Brûlant comme l'eau qui boue
Le tout pour le tout
A bout portant une étreinte
Et deux toux une quinte

Je ne sais pas pourquoi
Je ne sais pas où
Cette vie ne nous mène
Qui vivra verra
Qui me le diras
Cette vie ne nous mène à quoi
A quoi ? A quoi ?