Sunday, 25 December 2011

Desperation: Act 1

Reality saddened me. I am not happy anymore being different or having idealism in the level of Gie. He's totally correct. It is wise to die young. I have been thinking a lot about death nowadays even more than when I had to attend my Funerary Archaeology class. I'll save my psychologist's job to interpret my behaviour (if only I have a personal psychologist): it is merely because I thought I have nothing more to prove in life. I'm done. I definitely will end up as a spinster, therefore I stopped looking for a guy. Why? My past love life isn't as bright as my undergraduate grade transcription. I am much traumatised by guys and love life. So I stopped my efforts on looking. Got it, Psychologist??

I have pages of journal entries to say things about job life -- which I never had, as well as my huge disappointment in job market or opportunities. So, interpret that!! It is more than getting a job, you fool...!!! It's about self-accomplishment. I don't have that either. So what is left for me? Death, indeed. I have finished my childhood ambition, per se... although I am yet to be an archaeologist, but the world around me doesn't feel like giving me a chance to prove myself, so I'll make your lives easier.

Friends?? Oh God, whom I really called friends nowadays??? One 'bestfriend' who PLEADED for me to go back home to Indonesia, immediately disconnected with me after her wedding day. One other girl is too consumed in her heartbreak to even just hangout with me. The love of my life which WAS also my bestfriend (zonder quotation marks) hates me so much to even keep in contact with me, he chose to hid himself from me (he said he's hiding from the world, but I read the message between the lines: he doesn't want to see me AT All). One kind girl is clearly making an effort to stay in touch with me, but she could at anytime leave, too. Then whom do I call friend? It is obvious that my definition of friend and friendship differ from those people out there. I value highly of friendship and truth within friendship, but what they did to me proved that for them, friends are replaceable, no matter how long you have connected to each other. The bond of KAMA??? BULLFUCKINGSHIT!!! Don't you dare talk about the bond of KAMA with me, if you think friends are replaceable, if you think that the meaning of togetherness only available when you're in college. I think and value highly of KAMA and its values and nothing could trade of whatever I have experienced during my time there. But, apparently life goes on (unlike mine) and people quickly forget the essence of family, friendship, togetherness, and KAMA after they graduate. For them, KAMA possibly is a phase of life that they have to go through, but for me KAMA is life, love, and family.

Now, my dearest (imaginary) psychologist, what do I have left but death? My almamater thought that my study is unimportant and that my knowledge is inapplicable unlike any other 'trendy' studies, my 'friends' quickly forget about me when they have opportunities to go on a dig, even though they know that I am available at all time and costs to join the dig; and that I have the ability and capability to work on a team on a dig. While I memorise perfectly anyone's ability to be used on the field, my 'friends' don't even remember about me. What a waste of time, Dee... what a waste of time. Even my heartbroken friend didn't spent the effort to ask me to go to spend New Year's Even together next week, albeit my presence in front of her when she's planning the trip. Wow... was I no fun? Do I already have a plan for New Year's Eve? She doesn't even bother to ask. And yet, yesterday night I still asked her to spend New Year together. Of course, a 'no' from her is an answer.

I am always thirsty for knowledge, now I don't even k now for whom or what do I study for. Even institutions don't want me or don't give me any chances to prove that I am worthy, that I am capable. I am merely a snob abroad graduate with extreme idealism that goes against the current in everyday life; and although that made me different, that doesn't make me wanted by ANY institution. I am laughing loudly and sarcastically at people who thinks that having a foreign degree would be easier to find a job. Joke's on who, bitches? Me or those people? My biggest mistake in life is to be ambitious about science and capability, to have wanted and dreamed to be a scientist in a country full of 'hungry' people who weirdly could find a way to buy upgraded version of Blackberries. This is what my personal ambition has brought me into.

To those who are wondering: no, this is not a suicide note. I am alive, (still) ambitious, (still) jobless, and desperate, but I am alive.