Monday, 16 April 2012

Confusing Future 2.

And you know what?
Making a new scientific Indonesian archaeology blog?
Really?
I bet the friends I presented the ideas to were just humoring me and say that they will contribute.
What?
Nobody cares about the future of archaeology in Indonesia!!


It's all in MY HEAD.
MY HEAD only.

Alright, I'm going to lie to you. Who the fuck cares? Really? The state obviously dont care.

Why am I still on this state of thinking of a JuniorHigh girl?? I should have stopped dreaming by the time I was working on my undergraduate thesis. But, no!!! I had to dream about a Master degree in archaeology that NO ONE here wants to hire! HAHAHAHAHA.


JOKE'S ON YOUR FUCKING FACE, DEE!
Are you awake YET!?

When other girls were planning on what dress to wear on their wedding day, I was hassling through my master's degree thesis, or was I hassling through the snow to get to anatomy class? What was I thinking? I should have been disgusted by dissecting human beings - like ANY NORMAL GIRLS would do! But, nooooooooo.... I had to think that I shall not pass out during the formaldehyde-aromatherapic session on the morgue! And yes, I didNOT pass out nor did I pass the anatomy class.

You might want to know why this matters to me. Yes, it does matter.
because I despise it when some ass-licking, chance-stealing bitch is rubbing it in my face that she thinks she has a BETTER LIFE than I do. I despise it when people were looking at me as if they pity me for not having a baby in my arms, or not having a plus-one to go with to a wedding event. I should have gotten two if not three, kids in my lap jumping up and down, crying, and making me pull my own hair right now, instead of wondering where the heck did the fragments of the occipital went, because I want to glue them together with the parietals!!!! Oh, anyways, it's all my faults. I'm just looking for a scapegoat.

You know what?
You can say that I feel awfully alone at the time this entry is being written, because you have babies and husbands and all the things you have that I dont have. But one thing I know, is that I am happy that I have seen the world more than you did, my 'friends' - those who called me FRIENDS. I will be happy to die, knowing that I have set foot on Stonehenge, the pyramids, Chao Praya, sailed the Nile, touched the Neander valley's grass, saluted the Tower Bridge and Tower of London, or having lunch at Kensington Garden. I am okay to die now. I have lived my dreams. I have no more of them. I am done. I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore. I have no one to share my life further anymore, I have no other love to give (oh yeah, I spared all of my love to that one guy. not the younger guy.), I have no cooking skills that I can show off to, no one is actually wearing any crocheted couture anymore, and Papua island is still going to be there for the next 100,000 years (oh well, maybe shifted a wee bit to the Australian plate).

So, I am okay to die.

And dont tell me I dont remind you: it is OK not to attend my funeral, I will not going to wait for you after all. I cant wait to decompose under the acidic soils of Indonesia. Sheesh, even about my death I am being scientific!!! Oh yeah, I have a lot of knowledge about thanatology (look it up on Google, asshole. dont be such a lazy ass!), I can reconstruct my own decomposition.

******

I really really want to change my opinion about life here, at home. But seems like things are constantly being worse than they already are and they will stay that way, with or without me in it. I have visions in life, I have visions in the future..
oops, no wait.

i HAVE HAD visions in life, i HAVE HAD visions in the future.i HAVE HAD a dream of being as dedicative as Pak Jono did, worked on Friday, died on Monday. Perfect death...

but I cannot do anything about those because I threatened people's positions. WAHAHAHAHA...... this is something that wasnt told to me in confidentiality, so, what the heck. I am not going to be a part of you, anyways, and really? you were intimidated by ME? HAHAHAHA.... I didnt mean that and I am not going to say I am sorry if I intimidated you with my potentials. I WILL NOT SAY SORRY. It's just that I am resourceful (said someone) and I know how to use my resource to be a knowledge, that's all. Oooh.... you dont have that SKILL? really? then how can you lick ass so good?? Have fun licking asses in life, I just want to decompose.

Do you know, what moves me?
What made me become the potentially threatening person that I am now?
One dream: to be an archaeologist. Then I saw people dedicate their lives to this subject, ups and downs, friends and foes, I found people that I can look up to. Alright, maybe they're not the world class celebrities of archaeology, but, they inspire me. And maybe my inspiration died the day Pak Jono died, March 16, 2011.

How can I look up to someone anymore, if people see my potentials as threatening?

Where is your spirit of competition? I have always lost the fight and this time is not going to be different. So, COMPETE WITH ME. I am not too young to compete and you're not too old to fight back.

What if my own sole role model looks at me as potentially threatening to their career?

I just dont think that your evaluation about me is fair. It sounded more like a make up excuse than a reason. there is a fine line between an excuse and a reason.

Hokay, I am just going to go back to my soil pit, and start decomposing myself. My curse is, once you're using me as your plant's fertiliser, I will rot them through the roots.


have a happy life,
SANS MOI.