Monday, 9 July 2012

deliberate insults

Every morning I woke up, I sat on the edge of my bed, and thought, "How is myself would  be useful for the world, today?" Then my mind was thrown far back to the time when I was dreaming of becoming an archaeologist, to be in action on the field, to publish cool articles, and to die holding my trowel.

Dream has always been manufactured by the Dream Inc. in simplicity. Unfortunately the company doesn't include a manual on what to do when dreams don't come true. 

Then again, along the way, archaeology had entered the personal boundaries of mine. For a lot of people archaeology is just a hobby, a job, a thing. For me, it is life. If I could, I would take my first breath every morning from the petrichor of that first jam of the trowel to the first layer of soil. If I could, I will sort out people in my life like sorting out findings from dumping soil. If I could, I would make a dance move out of the way I sort my dumping soil.

For the record: I did not go begging to my parents to school me as far as the UK - but we saved up money. (Insult #1)
  •  Then again, it is not as simple as that, being schooled at the UK while everyone else was schooled by other school. We dont hang out with same people, we dont create same troubles, and we certainly dont see trouble in a similar way.
  • In my naive thoughts: what's so similar about us is the reason why we came home. But I was wrong again.
and for the record:
if it's too naive for you that I thought about the love in the world for dedications to archaeology, then dont go declaring to anyone else in a mocking way that I am stupid. (Insult #2)

  • .... because I am NOT. Before you said anything about how silly it is to dedicate myself, you SHOULD KNOW WHY have I come to that decision. Certainly NOT because I think Indonesian archaeology needs more dedications than what had been put on
  • Then again, it is NOT MY decision to put MORE burden in my shoulder to have the obligations to feed more people in my life (and simply NOT because I am a woman; just because I appreciate what is SELF-ACHIEVEMENT - instead of wanting to make everyone happy but making myself cry the hardest). 
  • In addition: it is NOT MY decision that I should fail on every attempts to have someone to come home to, or to feed at home or to snuggle in bed with (WITHOUT HAVING IT AS A MISTAKE) - that I have to take the option and possibility that archaeology would be kind to me and would NOT BE A MISTAKE in my life. I'm sorry if I thought that a mistake for you, might not be a mistake for me. It may have just become something important and meaningful for me.
I have thought long and hard of how to express my insulted-impressions, because I thought there are certain person who actually understands what I feel, what I thought, and what I am. If the excuse was only because there were other people on the table and that is enough to make such insulting remarks, then I am sorry to tell you I am pissed off.
  • For you it's a joke, for me it's a declaration. Of all the people I thought there are certain person who knows what to talk about in public and what to save up for personal need-to-know basis. 
  • Again, I was wrong.  
 post-script: I am looking forward for an apology in whatever forms you can afford. Maybe there is some love left for you to let me forgive you or at least cease the anger towards you.